my lovehate project

full teeth

You notice the bruise on the front of my thigh. I’ve been looking at it for days. You ask, “What happened?”

I reply, “You.” You smile with full teeth.

I know that whoever sees your neck is going to ask you the same question. I wonder what you’ll say.

explanations

We’ve been doing this for six months. Six months? Six and a half. You reminded me of the day we met, those months ago. The ease of meeting you, your ways. I still experience ease in whatever place I meet you. 

Things are automatic and I don’t know why. That’s how I know they’re automatic, because I don’t know how. Please tell me why I never stop thinking of you. How do we speak all day? Do we really use all forms of communication? 

It starts from the moment you wake to the moment I sleep. I never was able to stop flirting with you. Things were so natural. Why do I still believe that us being together would be unnatural?

But why…why…why…am I still so scared?

words in three

Then it’s morning. I wanted to say it all night as I smiled into your eyes and I didn’t. Oh god, I think I’m going to say it now. No. Yes. If I don’t, I am lying. Just say it already.

I turn toward you, you’re still resting. I’m scared shitless and I run my fingers through your hair, hoping the fear will get tangled in it as the words leave my lips in 3…2…1…

“I love you.” I’m slurring with caution.

“What?” You’re still half asleep.

“I love you.” 

“Wait, what?” You’re waking up.

“I love you.” Third time’s a charm.

“Bullshit.” You smile.

You kiss me, hold me, we pretend you don’t have to leave in 30 minutes. I just wanted to say it, I’m free. This changes nothing for me, but now you know. I think everything is going to be okay.

I walk you to the cab, this is the first time in my life that I don’t want someone to leave me. We start to kiss goodbye. One kiss. A second kiss. “I love you, too.” I come back for a third. 

I need someone who believes in me

I didn’t know what to do with you, still. Six months into the car/bed/shower/sofa sessions we seemed to occupy.

But I didn’t have to have a place for you in order to understand and recognize the value you’d brought to my life. I was a mess when I met you and I didn’t even know it. Your interest in me forced me to face the pain I’d distracted myself from so well. The things I thought I was over, so much more rooted in me than I was aware.

I cried when you asked me what happened. And I cried when you wanted more. I cried when I felt the past holding me back. I cried when we tried to stop. I cried when you fought to keep going. And now it’s over, I have entered peace. Nothing has changed, but I have finally stopped fighting my heart so viciously. I never knew what I really wanted, always trying to please the masses. As time moves, that inner voice is surfacing and getting louder. There is a clarity I never felt before.

I had to learn to listen to myself regardless of right or wrong. To stand up against others, to risk being judged. To think differently. You encouraged and challenged me every time I was scared. And I am still scared but it is not paralyzing me anymore. You’ve helped me stretch, I’ve never felt so much more like myself, more free. Less and less it matters what happens between us. Your existence has brought something great to my life. That’s more than I can say for most.

“A mind once stretched, can never go back to its old dimensions.” 

used

You said, “You need to initiate sometimes.” The words unsettled me. In truth, I hated waiting around for you to touch me. To kiss me. To get naked. Time moved so slow. But I waited, because I didn’t want you to feel 

Used. I hate that word. I’d been accused of doing it before by people who didn’t understand love and affection. And you were taking me so well, why would I disrupt the balance? 

Then you let down a wall. You said you’ve always felt used, since the first time ever. I didn’t want you to feel that way. I wondered what you thought about the soft kisses that had nothing to do with sex. All the words I’ve said. The obstacles I walked past, the consequences I endured. Everything we did to keep this going, the compromises. I feel so close to you, you’ve strangely become a part of my life.

You might not be used to this. I am not used to this. But I want to give you some kind of peace. This thing, you can rest in it. Get comfortable. If you want to. 

facetime

“Goddamn, honey.” You said that a few months ago. I don’t forget. Your voice is always in my mind. 

You have the persistence and the patience of someone I never knew. The past few days have been so strange. I’ve never felt so free from this world. Like I’m about to arrive somewhere I’ve never been before…and you keep talking to me every way possible. Typing. Calling. You wanted face time. I’m insatiable.

Cameras and screens. I’ve done this before but I’m so much more aroused this time, watching and hearing you. It’s not even about this view, but I’ll never forget that look on your face. It doesn’t subside when I’m done. It doesn’t subside when you’re done. This is torturing me.

You’re tired, lips against the pillow that I wish I was. Baby, I’m watching your mouth say “I love you” silently. Am I wrong for believing it? They’ll never fucking believe this. I think it’s about time that I see your face.